2019 Highlights, part 1 - A Lesson from a Fault
Today, I thought of sharing the things I wrote down in another short-lived blog in 2019. These are things that I learned and experienced since September and December. This piece was written in October and the first thing I wrote in a blog form ever.
Recently, I have been diagnosed with type 1 diabetes. At first, because I was so sick with the flu, I didn't really feel the shock of the news for couple of days. My family felt the shock for me. My feeling at the time was, "Oh, I have diabetes!"
Even when I got better, moved on to my own private ward (I was contagious) and having every meal with insulin injected into my stomach, I didn't feel the effect until the last day. I had enough of hospital then and just wanted to go home. Walking out of that place, I had feeling that I was a different person. And I was. The way I saw things seemed different. I felt distant from everything. Sorta of the feeling of mere existing but not living.
I was resigned and depressed. Every morning I woke up in a haze. All my food were measured and much smaller than what I was used to. I couldn't look at food without remembering what I lost. I wanted food but at the same time, conscious of my diabetes, I didn't.
My mum had a talk with me one night, where I was able to express the feeling building up and cry. My sister also talked to me about how shock she was and that she had asked why to God. She said that she got a feeling as she asked this that He was just as upset about my diabetes, and that He will use it for good in the future. I cried again, but this time because I was so touched. I was encouraged by this, though a part of me still wanted to be miserable.
Slowly, the depression faded away, and I went back into my daily time with God though at first it was so difficult with a still sick brain.
On the 2nd Sunday since leaving the hospital, I went to church. Thankfully, not many people talked to me about my diabetes but I was expecting more. The highlight of it all was the sermon. My pastor preached on Hosea 4. Well, half of it, because it was so long and he had much to say. It was was all about Israel's sins, the evil they've done against God. But even with the darkness of the chapter, I found light. He was saying that the little less of self-control, the little less boundaries, compromising over and over by just an inch will eventually make none at all. And this is what happened to Israel, compromising their good and pure morals until they had none left. He was encouraging us, in a subtle way, to be disciplined. And I couldn't help feeling that my diabetes would teach me this. After all, one of the fruits of the Spirit is self-control.
It motivated me to want to be disciplined, to use my diabetes to help me. I'm not perfect at it, but whose is? It's the heart condition that counts. An illness or disability can be a beginning instead of an end.
Photo by Mykenzie Johnson on Unsplash
Even when I got better, moved on to my own private ward (I was contagious) and having every meal with insulin injected into my stomach, I didn't feel the effect until the last day. I had enough of hospital then and just wanted to go home. Walking out of that place, I had feeling that I was a different person. And I was. The way I saw things seemed different. I felt distant from everything. Sorta of the feeling of mere existing but not living.
I was resigned and depressed. Every morning I woke up in a haze. All my food were measured and much smaller than what I was used to. I couldn't look at food without remembering what I lost. I wanted food but at the same time, conscious of my diabetes, I didn't.
My mum had a talk with me one night, where I was able to express the feeling building up and cry. My sister also talked to me about how shock she was and that she had asked why to God. She said that she got a feeling as she asked this that He was just as upset about my diabetes, and that He will use it for good in the future. I cried again, but this time because I was so touched. I was encouraged by this, though a part of me still wanted to be miserable.
Slowly, the depression faded away, and I went back into my daily time with God though at first it was so difficult with a still sick brain.
On the 2nd Sunday since leaving the hospital, I went to church. Thankfully, not many people talked to me about my diabetes but I was expecting more. The highlight of it all was the sermon. My pastor preached on Hosea 4. Well, half of it, because it was so long and he had much to say. It was was all about Israel's sins, the evil they've done against God. But even with the darkness of the chapter, I found light. He was saying that the little less of self-control, the little less boundaries, compromising over and over by just an inch will eventually make none at all. And this is what happened to Israel, compromising their good and pure morals until they had none left. He was encouraging us, in a subtle way, to be disciplined. And I couldn't help feeling that my diabetes would teach me this. After all, one of the fruits of the Spirit is self-control.
It motivated me to want to be disciplined, to use my diabetes to help me. I'm not perfect at it, but whose is? It's the heart condition that counts. An illness or disability can be a beginning instead of an end.
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